Learn to Say No to Your Family’s Financial Request

Learning to say NO is one of the most valuable lessons we have learned on our financial journey.

Although it is a skill that was not easy to develop, it is one we are are very grateful for. Being unable to say No was is one of the factors that contributed to our debt load.

Growing up, we were taught the needs of elders, our family and the community took precedence over our personal needs. Saying No is often times perceived as being selfish, negative or ungrateful. And thus, guilt often sets in when we place our needs before those of others.

Needless to say, as Africans, the love we have for our family can often times lead us to make irrational emotional financial decisions.

The first thing we had to do was admit to ourselves that our inability to choose us over others was causing us financial problems. When we read Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend, we realized that sometimes when we say Yes to others , we are saying No to ourselves. By so doing, we are unable to make our dreams possible.

It is our responsibility to say no to the things that are keeping us from our goals and it is our right to say Yes to the life we want to live.

Next we had to find ways to minimize the damage it was doing to our financial life. That meant developing the ability to say no.

Here are 5 tips to help you say NO and protect your financial dream

1. Be honest. Lies can turn to guilt.— “I’d love to help, but financially, this it really not a good time for us”

2. Be direct but polite. Thank the person for the request or for thinking of about you.— “Thank you for thinking about me to be your bridesmaid, I’m unable to make that commitment right now. If things change, I’d keep you updated”.

3. Do not prolong the request. It will increase your stress and make the situation more awkward. ——Don’t tell them “ I’d think about it” when you do not plan to. Unless you plan on may be talking it over with someone, for instance your spouse.

4. Practice saying No.

5. Consider your self worth and your dreams with every request. Remember every time you say yes, you are saying No to something else. —— “What a great idea! Unfortunately, my family’s budget is maxed out at this time. Maybe next time.”

Learning to say “No” to others will allow you bring your dreams to fruition. The quest for financial independence should not alienate you from your loved ones; both can co-exist.

Finding that balance can be challenging but it is possible. Find what works for YOU.

How to talk to your spouse about money

Talking to your spouse about money can be very challenging. This is in part because each spouse has a different relationship with money. The value they give to money, how they feel about money, the way they manage money, or their financial upbringing. 

Due to these differences, It is no surprise that talking to your spouse about money can awaken feelings of anxiety, fear, resentment, and distrust.

 These money talks even though stressful, are necessary for a healthy marriage.

 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐰𝐬 𝐢𝐬....... Some things can be done to make these conversations less stressful.

In our quest to build a stronger, and more solid financial foundation for our marriage, we realized that 5 things are needed for a couple to talk about money without fighting. 

 1- Be open and honest with each other.  Avoid playing the blame game. It is hard for ANYONE to admit that they are wrong. 

“HERE ARE MY STRENGTHS, HERE ARE MY WEAKNESSES. SINCE WE ARE A TEAM, HOW CAN WE SUPPORT EACH OTHER?”

2- Be aware of your emotions, and keep them in check. Taking emotions out of these discussions is a hard task. So talk to your spouse about the feelings you have about your current financial situation and how your feel thinking about the future. Lead the conversation with love, and focus on creating a financial plan to tackle any money problems. 

3- Schedule financial discussions and make them fun (why not make it a date night too? ) Try not to talk to your spouse about money when you have had a long tiring day at work, or when emotions are running high. Give your partner an added reason to show up. Make room in your budget for fun activities to keep each other motivated to keep working toward your goals.

 4- Be consistent. Be intentional and make these discussions recurring events on your schedule. Block out specific dates in the month and set reminders. Those small consistent changes add up to the big wins.

 5- Both parties should be involved. No spouse should dominate the conversation. Be sure to seek each other’s opinions. Ask open-ended questions that allow your partner to contribute more than a “Yes/No” to the discussion. If you have a difficult time controlling the conversation, get a timer and take turns talking uninterrupted. 

Talking to your spouse about money keeps you accountable to each other. It also facilitates you reaching the financial goals your set for your marriage sooner. 

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How to stay on track with your financial goals

Our financial decisions are guided by the things that are important to us. The people in our life, the things we value, our financial goals, our environment, and the community we live in are some of those factors. As we struggled with getting our finances in order, we were faced with many challenges. Some of these being dealing with financial requests from family and close friends and the financial commitments from the community in which we lived.

Being able to balance our finances and maintain our relationships is a constant struggle. After a few arguments and some financial setbacks, we realized that we needed to find ways of striking that balance. First, we needed to remind ourselves of why we cared enough to find that place of harmony. That is where setting financial goals plays a huge part in your financial journey. They are a constant reminder of why you are making certain decisions and they help prioritize how your money is being spent.

When external influences like demands from family and friends, or the never-ending community engagements threaten to negatively affect your financial plan, those goals keep you focused.

Other ways to stay focused:

1.Set a monthly budget for giving

STAY ON TRACK

BUDGET

Creating a monthly budget is essential to maintaining your financial stability. Your budget tells your money where to go. Allocating a fixed amount each month for giving, tells you how much you have available to spend on loved ones, family or charity.
When you run out of your ‘giving’ fund, find other creative ways to give. 

2. Create healthy boundaries with your family and friends

Establishing healthy boundaries earlier on in your relationships makes setting limits and limitations a lot easier. Both parties are able to appreciate and respect boundaries that have always been in existence. Also, your expectations are more likely to be taken into consideration when making financial requests. Teach people how to treat you and they will respect your boundaries.

3.Consider other ways of being helpful

Find other ways to extend help besides monetary compensations. When a loved one reaches out to you and you have exceeded your monthly ‘giving’ budget (or they don’t fit into the criteria) you can always extend other ways in which you can help them. For example, offering to babysit or mow the lawn are things that can help a recipient save money. You can also lend emotional support or guidance, dig through your pantry and see what you have that you make use to make a basket for them. Visit with them, lend a listening ear or be supportive.

4.Do not base your relationships on money

Although the gifts and presents augment feelings of love, they cannot replace the affection, connection and sense of longing that we crave from a relationship. Being able to buy kids their favorite toys should not be a substitute for the empty seat at their game, neither should the expensive present replace the calls and regular visits to your loved one. Most often all we want is to feel loved, special and noticed . It is difficult to put a price tag on that. 

5.Learn to say “NO”

Most often, “NO” does not need to be followed by an explanation. An important part of  our financial reset was learning to prioritize our needs. Learning to say “No”, to yourself and others will allow you bring your dreams to life. We had to say No to our kids a lot of times during this journey. We still say No to each other because we understand we have goals to achieve. 

The quest for financial independence should not alienate you from your loved ones. Both can co-exist. Finding that balance can be challenging but it is possible. Find what works for YOU.